If only you knew...

I'm not lying.

You know, my whole life I have been the "spaz" or the "obnoxious kid" or the "smart kid" (That was in like 2nd grade, before I learned about video games). But would you like to know why???? 


Well, you see, I have this thing. Quite a few people have it actually. No, not herpes, depression. 


I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Basically, I get these fits of sadness, or this surge of emotion, that I can't exactly control. They tried to make me go to rehab and I said no, no, no. Haha, actually, I dont think my parents really know. Actually, I told them one time, and they laughed at me and thought I said it for attention. The irony is that usually you shouldn't say that to someone who is depressed. 


So how have I dealt with it? By acting out. By being loud. By speaking my mind all the time. By making it so that YOU would never know. And if you don't know, now you know, nigga. Yes, that is two song references in case you were wondering.  


I feel really bad for other depressed people. I know how you all feel, trust me. I have contemplated suicide, many times in fact. Never had the courage to try it though, or to actually go through the motions. Know why? I have a cousin who killed himself. Do you know the pain that it makes you feel to think that maybe you could have done something? That maybe you should have talked to him more? 


This pain is something that I NEVER want ANYONE to feel. That's why I suppress the depression. I know I have it, so when I get this feeling, I just have to keep it down. You can't let it beat you. 


I'm not looking for any sympathy. In fact, this post is really directed for a few people. But I just want you all to know that that's who I am. I don't take pills, I don't have ADD, i'm not some crazy intellectual (I am actually, but thats not the point), i'm just a depressed kid. My parents used to think that I was a genius (146 IQ, thank you very much (which proves how bogus IQ is)), but it wasn't that. I have always been depressed and it has made me more observant. I'm a pretty wise kid actually. I could roll over and be depressed. But I am stronger than that. 

And as for my emotions? They go bonkers. My emotions are so intense, and can change so quickly. But this is just who I am.


I know that many people out there deal with this problem, but you have to be strong. If you aren't strong, it will beat you. And trust me, I KNOW it is not THAT easy. But please, people care about people, and taking your own life is not fun, for you or the ones that care. 


You are your own worst enemy.